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How to Treat Sex Workers, According to Sex Workers

With the exception of the occasional inconsiderate asshole most people know how to behave at the shops, the hairdressers, or when they're catching an Uber. They know not to skip the line, to tip, and not to barf all over the backseat. But a lot of people don't know how you're supposed to behave when you visit a sex worker or when you're drunkenly trying to stay upright in a chair while a stripper grinds on your lap.

Considering the men and women who work in the sex industry offer up their bodies, it's only fair that you try and be polite and considerate. But what are the dos and don'ts? Can you ask a sex worker to lower the going rate for a blowjob because you're such a loyal customer? And exactly how handsy can you get when you have a half-naked stripper grinding on your lap?

I asked a Dutch escort, a prostitute, and two strippers what you should and shouldn't do when you are enjoying their services.

Kevin Talle, 35 years old, has been working as a stripper for ten years

As a male stripper, after the show people often say: "Hey, we didn't even get to see your dick!" But the whole point of a striptease is seduction—leaving the most exciting parts to the imagination. I think that an entertaining show is more important, but if you just want to see my dick then I'll do a lap fully naked and then immediately put my clothes back on.

And don't book me to embarrass someone else. I often get booked as a surprise for women that don't know how to deal with a striptease. They'll be sitting there looking very uncomfortable and holding their hands up in the air. You can tell by the look on their face that they don't enjoy it. And that, of course, is exactly why her friends booked me in the first place—because it's funny to see the birthday girl get embarrassed by a half-naked, dancing guy. The thing is that I do try my absolute best to make her feel comfortable. And look, I'll do my whole routine and all, but it's just a lot more fun to dance for someone who is smiling and impatiently waiting for you to get closer.

The most important thing is that you join in and hold me or touch me when I signal you to. But there is definitely a line. The other day I was performing for a group of older ladies. The lady in the chair must have been in her late 60s. She was brimming with enthusiasm throughout the act, and near the end I was standing before her smiling face with nothing but a little flag covering my penis. In her excitement she grabbed my dick and yanked it really hard. It hurt like hell. The whole group was laughing, and after taking a few deep breaths I laughed as well, but I still wonder what the hell she was thinking.

Pweeeep!!! Illustrations by Ben van Brummelen

Liv, 24, high-class escort with Vialet EscortService

The other day I was meeting a new client in a hotel in Germany. We decided to grab a bite to eat first and over dinner he told me that he was going through a divorce, that his wife hadn't given him a blowjob for months, and that he missed his kids. While we were talking I noticed that his nails looked absolutely hideous; gnawed down little stumps that looked like they could start bleeding any moment. Even during dinner he would occasionally put down his fork so he could bite down on his nails instead. Apparently he noticed me staring because he told me that he had started biting his nails since the divorce. After we got back to the hotel room we ran a bath, and he started kissing me passionately. After we had sex, I felt something hard and sharp in my mouth. I spat it out and—holy shit. It was a bit of fingernail.

What I'm saying is: Hygiene is important. I don't know you, so make sure you're fresh and clean when you go on a date. That's what I do, too.

Besides that, one of the most important rules is wearing a condom. It's unbelievable how many guys try to bend the rules on that. "I'm really clean, I got tested recently," they'll say. Come on. It ruins the mood and besides, you knew in advance that safe sex is one of the conditions when you book me. The same goes for asking for my contact details. "Come on, you can tell me your real name, can't you? Don't you have a mobile number so I can reach you directly?" No. Being an escort comes with so many risks, so we all value our privacy. Usually they do give me their own business card in case I want to call them. I always take it and then throw it in the trash as soon as they're gone.

Michele, 34, has been working as a stripper for 14 years

Don't be blindly drunk. I often get a last-minute booking from a group of guys that want a striptease around 1 AM. Usually they've already had quite a lot to drink and are having trouble sitting upright in their chairs. They often try to grope me, of course. At my agency we use whipped cream and lotions that they can rub on us—so it's not that touching is strictly forbidden. But it's the stripper that decides when, how, and what. Sober clients understand these boundaries but wasted clients often ignore the rules.

A simple but important rule: stay in your seat! Clients often try and get up and start dancing with me. They mean well, but my whole act is built around you. I have a whole choreography set to the music so if I have to get you back on your chair before I can continue that disrupts the whole thing. Once I was performing for a drunk guy that wanted to dance with me and grabbed me by my waist and lifted me high in the air. I often use ice cubes in my act and some of them had landed on the floor earlier and had started to melt. You can guess what happened next: The guy slipped and I took quite a fall. So yeah, if something like that happens, the show is over and I just go and get my things.

Molly, 26, has been working as a prostitute for four years

Don't be the guy with the savior complex. There are two types of clients like this. The first one is the overprotective client: They want to spend half an hour talking to you about your personal life first and ask you way too many personal questions, including whether you're really doing this voluntarily. And then there are the clients that like you so much that they want to save you from this "awful life" that they think you lead as a sex worker. These clients constantly say things like: "But you're so cute and you're so smart. You don't need to do this kind of work" or "Shouldn't you try and get a real job?" It's super annoying because it means that you're not taking me seriously. I understand it's coming from a good place, but it is also very condescending. I am a professional and I take my job seriously.

Then there are the 'boundary pushers'—the guys that always want more. "We've known each other for a while now, can't we do it without a condom for once? Or "Could we discuss the rate?" That really takes the fun out of it for me. Before I always tried to calmly and nicely explain that that isn't how it works and that I have a few very clear rules. Except that never really seemed to work so now I immediately give whoever attempts anything off the book a stern lecture.

One of the most frequently asked questions I get from clients is: "What do you like?" That's sweet but it doesn't really help either one of us. First of all, in these situations it's not about what I like, and second of all, I doubt we like the same thing. Of course that stems from the excellent idea that sex should be fun for both parties but paid sex is different. People often struggle with the notion that they get to let loose and I'm completely focused on them.

The best thing a client can do for me is be clear about what they want. I often get first-timers that are very nervous and never learned to talk about sex. They find if hard to articulate what they do and don't like and what turns them on. The more you tell me about what you enjoy, the better our date will be.

What Your Favorite Christmas Song Says About You

Merry fucking Christmas, everybody. Photo via Flickr user Dan Century

This article originally appeared on VICE Canada

There is no genre of music I hate more than Christmas music. It's sappy, annoying, overly reliant on the musical charm of bells and creepily religious. Like it's 2016. Just because I'm in the mall buying multiple copies of the same book for all of my loved ones doesn't mean I need to hear about how God's baby has come to bless all of us sinners.

But I know that I am in the minority on this. The closer we get to the holidays the more people feel comfortable, at work or while preparing dinner, with listening to Christmas music for hours on end until I get snow blindness in my ears. Well I decided no more. I will not take this lying down so I made a list of what your favorite shitty Christmas song says about your shitty self and I hope all my fellow yuletide haters can enjoy this little bit of holiday bile.

Deck The Halls

You will celebrate Christmas morning the same way you did last year: by having to lie down in the shower.

Here Comes Santa Claus

You are a really into Santa-as-a-badass-barbarian cosplay.

Winter Wonderland

You think that as long as it's a man and woman, it's perfectly fine and normal to be married by a snowman.

I'll Be Home For Christmas

Sometimes you go to the airport and watch newly reunited people embrace in the Arrivals area until security asks you to leave.

The Christmas Song ("Chestnuts Roasting on...")

Nobody ever wants to try the chestnut and chevre appies you bring to Christmas parties and you laugh it off and call them all Scrooges but deep down it hurts.

Hark! The Herald Angels Sing

You think evolution is just one theory among many.

Silent Night

You describe any baby you meet as 'tender and mild' and it's discomforting to the parents.

Jingle Bells

Your death will involve a fatal mixture of Red Bulls, vodka and tobogganing.

Hang in there, Joy. Photo via Flickr U.S. Army Corps of Engineers

Joy To The World

If your worthless, unappreciative sons buy you one more candle as a present, you are getting a bottle of wine, a hotel room downtown and they can figure out how to cook a fucking turkey themselves.

O Come All Ye Faithful

Your secret Santa gift is always a charitable donation in the person you got's name.

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas

You have spent thousands of dollars on designer long johns.

Hallelujah Chorus From The Messiah

You have thrown up in the bathroom at a Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert before.

White Christmas

You don't think Steve Bannon is racist, just provocative.

O Holy Night

You are a pedophile hunter.

Fairytale of New York

You are very cool and pierce your own ears.

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

You spent all last night trying to take a selfie with your dog wearing fake reindeer antlers but your dog kept knocking them off his head and you got so frustrated you started crying and that's been happening a lot lately.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean you can't make this a key party.

The Little Drummer Boy

You give everyone in your family twenty bucks in an envelope. No card just the cash.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

You haven't been the same since Clarence Clemons died.

The First Noel

You are a monster that has fancy house parties and pause them in the middle to make your guests watch your son sing his original songs on an acoustic guitar.

Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer

Your year began falling apart when you had to cancel the Magic The Gathering tournament at your house due to a lack of attendance.

Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree

You are a very fun mom and last year you completely forgot to buy any presents for one of your sons.

Do You Hear What I Hear

When you watch a movie with other people you always ask them to explain things in the plot that the movie hasn't explained yet.

Let It Snow

Whenever it's an unseasonably warm winter day you can't help but bum people out by saying, "Sure it's nice out but that's because we're all straight fucked man."

You're not fooling anyone, Gene. Photo via Flickr U.S. Army Corps of Engineers

A Holly Jolly Christmas

Sometimes you let somebody have a sip of your eggnog and they go, "Jesus Gene, is there any nog in that thing?" and you both laugh but for a second you see the worry in their eyes and now you can't stop thinking about it.

Frosty The Snowman

You bought some cigars to celebrate the holidays but had no idea how big a commitment they are. Seriously this thing is going to take like half an hour to smoke and it's freezing out, what the fuck are we doing?

Jingle Bell Rock

Your favourite places to eat are authentically grungy diners that used to be scary but then got new owners and are now filled with beautiful people eating chorizo.

Feliz Navidad

You think the best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill.

Silver Bells

You've teared up before at the mall's Christmas decorations.

12 Days of Christmas

You are in a viciously codependent relationship.

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

You have a plan. Your crush is coming to a holiday party at your place. You got mistletoe everywhere and eventually the two of you will be standing under it and you'll sheepishly tilt your head up toward it. Then you will shyly kiss and she'll see that what she has been looking for this whole time has been standing there in front of her all along.

All I Want For Christmas Is You

You are right. This is the best one.

Follow Jordan Foisy on Twitter.

A Bullshitter’s Guide to Getting an All Access Pass

Photo by Katrin Braga, makeup by Kelseyanna Fitzpatrick, styling by Rhi Blossom

This story originally appeared on VICE Canada.

Every good turn up starts with a struggle and there's no way I'm going to enter a party or festival with anything less than an AA (all access) wristband. My parents did not baptize me in the sacred Ganges River and flee to America during the India-Pakistan partition for me to be treated like a mere peasant in GA (general admission). I strongly believe we accept the level of VIP we deserve, so being a delusional THOT has been extremely instrumental in my success in getting backstage.

Being VIP isn't all fun and games. You need to study. You need to live, breathe, and sleep like a VIP.

Step 1: Study the Lineup

Who's on the lineup for the club or festival? Pick one person on the lineup whose guest list you are going to say you're on. Make sure you know everything about them; how they look, where they're from, their day to day manager's name, their tour manager's name, booking agent, photographer's name, etc. Be prepared for anything. Study at least two or three people on the lineup in case one of them falls through.

Guestlist Life Hack: Make sure the person is famous, but not too famous. If it's a festival lineup, don't pick anyone who is from the city the festival is in as their guestlist will be too full, don't pick anyone who is really thotty like Diplo (unless you are me in 2011), and don't pick anyone who is a loner and doesn't interact with fans on social media.

Step 2: The Look

For me, it's not that hard, because I look famous as fuck and luckily I believe my own lies, and so does everyone else. I like to go big and bold. Daring patterns or bright colours, look expensive, but not like you're trying to look expensive. Bring sunglasses and a hoodie, just in case you need to fake hide from the papz and fans. And for lack of a better word, just don't fucking look basic.

Step 3: Pull Up

As you pull up to the venue, really get into character, put on your hoodie, sunglasses, and whatever you need to do to really feel yourself and play the part of a VIP. If you're at a festival, there will be a lot of security around, so make sure they know you're important. Ask a few security people where the artist's entrance is as you duck and cover your face so no "fans" catch a glimpse of you and immediately bombard you for photo requests.

Step 4: Moment of Truth

Revelation 21:21, finessing your way through the pearly white gates of guestlist. Will you have to repent for your scamming ways in GA or receive forgiveness for your sins in AA? As you approach the guestlist gods, be confident. Don't show any hesitation.

Me: I'm on the guestlist
Them: Whose guestlist are you on?

Me: *shows ID* (insert irrelevant EDM DJ's name here)
Them: Don't see you here.
Me: Hmm, that's strange (insert tour manager's name), said I should be good. Could you text him? I think there must be a mistake. *Stand looking disappointed, but not angry*

(Be cooperative and patient, but look slightly agitated like it's their mistake)

Them: Give me one second.
Me: You could also call (someone from the company who's throwing the festival's name), I asked really last-minute for guestlist because I thought I'd be out of town for a show, but it got cancelled.
Them: I'm so sorry about that, you should be good. *Hands you VIP wristband*
Me: Wait, I'm sorry, I was supposed to receive an all-access pass.
Them: It actually doesn't say that here.
Me: Well, I should have all-access.
Them: Sorry, I can only give you VIP.

OK. So in this scenario, if you don't receive all-access, it's OK, for now. But don't settle for just VIP or a media pass; there's not many times in my life that I will reference Meek Mill, because of the giant L he took from Drake, but in this case I will make an exception, "It's levels to dis shit."

It's ok to walk in with a VIP wristband, but do not accept it as your eternal fate. VIP is an abbreviation for "very important person," but your goal is to be the most important person. As you walk around the venue, scope out the AA entrance, but don't make any hasty decisions you will regret or that will get you kicked out, from personal experience getting kicked out is not that fun, but I will say, in hindsight, it makes for a good story and as a real journalist, I'll do anything for a good story, even get kicked out of the best country ever! Usually the security inside the venue isn't very smart or doesn't give a fuck. Walk up to the AA entrance and just flash any kind of random pass/come prepared with a fake laminated pass that says "Artist" on it and walk in like you are in a rush, hiding from fans and about to play on the mainstage. You can even go the extra mile and ask some random people to come up to you and pretend they want to take pictures with you, but make sure the security is looking, for the scam to be successful. And if all else fails, if you are not below sexual favours, neither am I.

If you can't execute these four easy steps flawlessly, you are probably incompetent and deserve to be a muggle in GA. But listen guys, don't feel discouraged if you don't immediately get escorted into AA like I usually do when I pull up, after all I am the finesse goddess and I wouldn't expect anyone to live up to my legendaryness.

Follow Chippy Nonstop on Twitter.

A Brief History Of Star Wars Canon, Old And New

When a franchise is around for four decades, it can get impossibly unwieldy to try and grasp its lore — and Star Wars canon is no exception. Here's a guide to the origins of Star Wars Canon, the rise and fall of one of the most prominent Expanded Universes in fiction, and where the saga stands with Disney today.